I have a million and ten things I'd like to post, but this issue seems to be the biggest so here we go....
Two nights, two conversations with virtual strangers, a couple Bloody Mary's and too much sangria, and I've been talked into doing the things I've been avoiding for years.
I wasn't really talked into anything, but I allowed some ideas that I've been ruminating over to fully manifest and reify and otherwise take shape.
For a long time now, I've felt like everybody was looking at me and wondering, "when is she going to do something?" Every time I say anything remotely intelligent (which I do a lot), my mother makes this huge nasally sigh and says I'm wasting my intelligence [raising my kids and not having a job]. My response in general to that sentiment is as follows: when I see people show affection toward their kids, do I sigh and say, "You're wasting your mammalian instincts having a job and putting those kids in daycare"? Of course I don't, so why is the converse always imposed on me.
The point that I am slowly wending my way towards is that I've finally realized that this, all of this, is not working. It's not working for The Man, or for me, or for the kids. As much as I want to be one of those seemingly super happy moms, knitting in a circle while their homeschooled kids play peacefully, I'm just not.
All my dreams of eschewing institutions for the children and running around barefoot and making art and reading library books are not working. These kids have to go to school. This epiphany is new (two days old, five days at the most), but it's real. I've paid lip service to the idea for a while, but only now do I believe it. In addition, I have to do something so that we don't fester in a money-less abyss. So I'm looking into my options, and I'm sure they are plentiful as long as I can get back to school for a few years.
For a few days, I felt like a failure over it all. Luckily, I have friends that have consoled me through the fact that a paradigm shift is simply a paradigm shift not an admission of failure.