Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Looking for Work???

I've been trolling Craigslist lately looking for work, and I have realized that finding work will be no easy task considering that my resume is utterly abysmal, my degree isn't worth the paper it's printed on, and we're in a jobless recovery.

However, as a woman, I've always been acutely aware that I am a commodity that can be sold. Incidentally, I have never done that, but in the interest of full disclosure I should let you know that I once did some Lolita thing to a straw and accepted free jewelry from a Palestinian shopkeeper. (I really put the sin back into Holy Land, but that's a story for another day).

Anyway, I dance like I'm having a vertical seizure so dancing/striping is not an option. Most places that buy eggs consider me too old, and I frankly do not want my superior genetic material mixed up with investment banker sperm, stuck in an old lady, and raised Republican. If I could sell an egg for research purposes though, I would do it in a hot second. The third option seems to be surrogate mother. First of all, according to the article I read about it in the NYT Sunday Magazine, they don't accept people that are as poor as me because they don't want to subjugate poor women (speaking of subjugation why can I legally rent out my uterus but not crusty ol' vag?). Second of all, the whole arrangement grosses me out (I also read an article in the NYT Sunday Magazine that if you feel the icky factor, you should listen to it). I mean I had to yield to my reproductive fate which was repopulating the world with my least favorite demographic (white males), and I lost all bladder control in the process so these people should yield to their fate of adopting a kid or kidnapping a cute baby from a shopping mall. My point (if I had one) was that regardless of my opinion on surrogacy, I balk at it being described as part-time work which it was on the Craigslist ad I ran into. Telecommute, sure. temporary, sure. Part-time, uh, not really.

Speaking of working, someday if you're really good and you get me drunk enough, I'll tell you about that time I became a door to door salesman because I thought the Man's unemployment was going to run out. And, if you're really really good and buy me another drink, I'll tell you about how I had a mini-mental-break-down and sat down on a curb and bawled my eyes out because Sarah Palin was a VP candidate and I was a door to door salesman with a 93% score on the GRE verbal.

Speaking of test taking, my only skill, other than packing light and being able to sleep anywhere which only lends itself to being homeless, maybe I can convince one of the test prep companies (Kaplan, Princeton Review) to give me a job teaching.


  1. My disdain for Ms Palin is no doubt compounded by the fact that she infamously said and I'm paraphrasing here, "I wasn't one of those kids who pack their backpacks and go traveling after college." Oh, wow, Sarah, not having a passport is like so totally awesome.

  2. I have no cheery words for you--just sincere sympathy.

  3. nothing expresses sympathy like rewriting your will ... insert punctuational smiley face!!

  4. [punctuational smiley face]

  5. You could do grading too.

    Also, I make milk like a crazy-cow, and I wish I could sell it. I AM going to look into donating it, which is loverly, but given my grad student stipend is over in a few short weeks, I wouldn't mind some extra money for being a lactation champ.

    I also can sleep anywhere.

    But I can't pack light. You see, we had to take out extra insurance on our house because of the books. It's a problem, I know. But they're so pretty, stacked every which way.

  6. You are so fabulous, I wish I could lick your face.